


We Sail Adrift

by aceklaviergavin



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Asexual Character, Boundaries, Communication, Demisexual Katsuki Yuuri, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Kink Exploration, Kissing, Light Angst, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Graphic Smut, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Katsuki Yuuri, Other, Safewords
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 22:27:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9628025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceklaviergavin/pseuds/aceklaviergavin
Summary: Yuuri is twenty-four, in love with their fiancé, and experiences sexual attraction for the first time. They're still figuring the last part out.“You’re scared,” Viktor says quietly.Yuuri wipes their eyes helplessly. “I’m twenty-four I would have thought that I knew myself and my body by now. But then this happens.”Viktor pulls Yuuri into his arms. “Oh, Yuuri, my love, it’s alright.” Yuuri sniffles into his shoulder. “We’ll figure this out.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Victuuri Week Day Three: Dreams
> 
> Prompt: Reassurace/Doubt
> 
> if you know me and talk to me on a regular basis either dont read this or read this and never ever mention it to me i'm so flustered
> 
> i wanted to read a fic about Yuuri exploring their sexuality with Viktor and i didn't trust anyone else to write it the way i wanted so this happened
> 
> iOS style skin from [this tutorial](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6434845/chapters/14729722)
> 
> my kink is healthy communication

Viktor’s sheets are an ocean, sliding against Yuuri’s skin like water, lapping at their ankles to pull them into the surf. Yuuri floats on the waves, and Viktor bruises their mouth with kisses. One of his hands tangles in Yuuri’s hair, the other gently pushing up the hem of Yuuri’s shirt and holding tight to Yuuri’s waist. It’s Viktor’s anchor, to keep him from getting lost in Yuuri’s eyes or the wet press of their mouth. Viktor sighs like the ocean breeze, his legs tangled with Yuuri’s like seaweed. Yuuri can’t imagine how they’re going to pull from his embrace, limbs hopelessly woven together as they are. But it’s alright, because Yuuri never wants to leave the glide of Viktor’s skin against theirs, or the shine of Viktor’s kiss-swollen lips.

It’s familiar, being laid down in Viktor’s bed and kissed until they don’t remember where they end and Viktor begins. It’s comforting, like a snug blanket or the sun warming their skin to ease them into a dream. This is how they’ve spent many an evening, kissing the breath from each other’s lips until the tide lulls them to sleep or they need to catch their breath. Sometimes, Yuuri thinks it’s pointless to try because Viktor _always_ leaves them breathless.

But something is different this time, and when Viktor kisses Yuuri’s skin, soft and vanilla-sweet, Yuuri is left gasping. There’s something electric in Viktor’s touch, and it tingles in all the kisses he’s left on Yuuri’s skin. It thrums in Yuuri’s veins and pools in their stomach under where Viktor’s hand still rests.

“Viktor,” Yuuri calls, a mix between a gasp and a whine.

Viktor nuzzles into Yuuri’s neck, nose bumping against their chin. “Yes?” He kisses below their ear, and Yuuri’s skin bursts where Viktor’s lips connect.

“I need...” They gasp. They don’t know _what_ they need.

This is uncharted territory. When Viktor has taught them so much about love, has shown them how to accept it and revel in it and _feel_ it, Yuuri is all at once excited and terrified to feel something new. They don’t know what this new feeling is, it’s heavy, electric, and warm in their belly. It’s _good_ and at the same time _starving_ but they don’t know how to sate it. They’re so _lost_ , and _scared_ and they’re tumbling in the waves, unable to swim or breathe, so lost they don’t even know which way is the surface.

Viktor kisses their neck and it brings them back. “What do you need?” he asks, his hand making slow circles on Yuuri’s stomach.

That _feeling_ buzzes under Viktor’s hand and... _oh_. Yuuri knows what this is; they’ve heard about it, but this is the first time they’ve felt it. They take Viktor’s hand, the one on their stomach and guide it lower, so his fingertips are just barely ghosting the hem of Yuuri’s pants.

“I...” Their mouth is impossibly dry, like all the moisture has been sucked out by the ocean they’re drowning in. They don’t have the first clue how to ask for this. It’s never been in their sphere of interest, they never _dreamed_ it would be. But suddenly it _is_ , crashing against them like a wave, and every word they’ve ever known in three different languages gets swept away. “Touch me?”

Viktor sobers suddenly, pulling back to look Yuuri in the eye. “What?” His brow furrows, but he doesn’t move his hand. “You don’t have to do that, I love what we have now.”

Yuuri stares into Viktor’s eyes, as wide an open as the sky over the sea. “I know. I want...” They swallow thickly. “I _want_.”

The fear in Viktor’s expression settles into confusion. “Are you sure? We’ve talked about this and you said you were sex-repulsed.”

“I know.”

They’d talked about this countless times when their relationship started. Yuuri had told Viktor that if they were together they’d never have sex, that the thought of it made Yuuri’s skin crawl. Viktor had accepted that whole-heartedly. He let Yuuri set the pace, gratefully accepting whatever Yuuri had to offer and never once asking for more. He never pushed Yuuri’s boundaries because Yuuri was the love of his life, and they were perfect just the way they were. Viktor was grateful every day to have Yuuri in his life and that was more than enough.

Yuuri was still struggling with their words. “I am... was repulsed. I don’t know.”

Viktor wraps his free arm around Yuuri’s shoulders and squeezes gently. “Take your time.”

Yuuri nods, but all they can think about is the hand heavy on their stomach. “I was but something’s different. I... I want to try this.”

Viktor’s heart swells, because Yuuri is sharing this moment of vulnerability with him and he’s so undeserving. He ducks his face into Yuuri’s hair. “Are you sure?”

“ _Hai_.”

Viktor settles against Yuuri’s side, feeling the warmth in Yuuri’s skin like he never has before. “Okay. How do you want to do this?”

Yuuri shifts on the bed, gliding through the sheets and pulling Viktor with them. They lay against the mountain of pillows, face up. Yuuri rearranges Viktor with shaking hands and hopes he doesn’t notice. He does, but just smiles and rubs soothing circles into Yuuri’s skin. Viktor lays on his side, chest press up against Yuuri’s body, one of Yuuri’s arms wrapped around him, grasping the back of his shirt.

“Can you put your arm around me?” Yuuri asks timidly, their voice shaking like the hand on Viktor’s back.

Viktor does as he’s told, and Yuuri snuggles into Viktor’s chest, desperately trying to occupy the same space as their fiancé. “Do you want me to keep my shirt on?”

Yuuri shakes their head after a moment. Viktor has to pull away, undoing all of Yuuri’s careful positioning. But when he returns, Yuuri can feel Viktor’s heart thrumming in his chest, as loud and strong as Yuuri’s own.

“And you?”

“I’ll keep it on, if that’s okay.”

Viktor goes back to rubbing circles on Yuuri’s belly, rhythmic and calming, stoking the embers that were beginning to cool down. “Whatever makes you comfortable.” His breath ghosts against Yuuri’s ear. “If you stop being comfortable, I want you to tell me to stop.”

Yuuri nods, smooth skin sliding against Viktor’s chest. They can feel Viktor’s words rumble against their cheek, a soft drone. “If you want me to stop say ‘red,’ ‘yellow’ is slow down, and ‘green’ is keep going, okay?”

Yuuri blinks, looking up to lock eyes with Viktor. “You’re giving me a safeword?”

“Of course.” Viktor kisses their forehead. “Promise me you’ll use it if you need to?”

Yuuri closes their eyes, savoring the feel of Viktor’s lips. “Promise.”

Viktor’s hand slides lower, and the knot in Yuuri’s belly grows heavy as it tightens painfully. His fingertips slide under the waistband of Yuuri’s pants, slowly working them down Yuuri’s hips. “Color?” Viktor asks softly.

It takes Yuuri a moment, lying dazed against Viktor’s chest. “Green,” they mumble.

Viktor presses another kiss to the crown of Yuuri’s head, as their breath deepens, hot against Viktor’s skin. It takes a few minutes to work Yuuri’s pants down with one had. Viktor doesn’t want to relinquish his embrace, needing to hold Yuuri as close as possible. Viktor takes a moment, once Yuuri’s pants are around their knees to just _look_. Yuuri is beautiful here, like they are everywhere else.

“Viktor,” Yuuri breathes, voice heavy with want. It’s a sound Viktor’s never heard from them before, but it’s intoxicating, impossibly easy to get lost in.

Yuuri’s whole body vibrates, centered on where Viktor’s long fingers dance over their skin like salt in the ocean breeze. And those fingers keep dancing, traveling lower and lower until...

“ _Oh_.”

Yuuri’s breath hitches, lungs burning with the salt in the air. Their chest heaves like breaking waves, and they scrabble for land in the surf.

“It’s alright,” Viktor soothes.

Yuuri’s fingers dig into Viktor’s side, holding on desperately. “Viktor...”

Viktor’s arm tightens around Yuuri as well, pulling them as close as he can bear, a silent promise to weather this storm together. “I’ve got you.”

Yuuri hears Viktor’s heart hammering inside his chest, mimicking the one that rattles in Yuuri’s ribs. Yuuri lets it be their anchor, as their skin burns away at Viktor’s touch and their whole body sings with an energy they’ve never known.

“ _Ah_ ,” they gasp, squeezing their eyes shut, burying their face in Viktor’s chest.

“Relax,” Viktor breathes into Yuuri’s hair.

Yuuri feels it rumble through Viktor’s chest more than they hear it. They tighten their hold on Viktor, curling into him. Their muscles are a string pulled taught, aching against the confines of Yuuri’s skin. How can they possibly relax when they don’t know what’s coming? When Viktor is working them up to tumble off a cliff and they don’t know what lies at the bottom? Their toes curl as they pant into Viktor’s chest, out of sync with his heartbeat.

Waves of emotion pour over them in torrents. Heat and love and desire rock through them and it’s too much, it’s too intense and they can’t _breathe_. They’re completely lost in the waves, tumbling helplessly and they hold onto Viktor like a life raft.

“Relax,” he repeats. “Let me take care of you.”

They let go. Viktor’s heart beats strong against their cheek and they let it ground them, sinking bonelessly into Viktor’s sheets. They forget where their skin ends and Viktor’s begins and they lose themselves in the waves. They float on the electricity in their skin, conducted by Viktor’s hand. They trust Viktor to keep them safe.

Yuuri whimpers and gasps into Viktor’s chest, their sounds slowly picking up intensity. “Your hand is shaking,” Yuuri gasps.

“I know.” Yuuri’s whole body shivers. “Color?”

“Green, green, green.”

Viktor’s arm is sore from leaning over Yuuri for so long. But Yuuri’s close, their whole body falling apart at Viktor’s fingertips. Yuuri’s thighs shake, tensing and shifting as Yuuri’s body tries to reach a goal it doesn’t know how to find.

“Good?” Viktor asks quietly.

Yuuri tilts their head back and meets Viktor’s gaze with half-lidded eyes. Their face is impossibly flushed, lips still red and wet from earlier. “Kiss me.”

Viktor dips down, letting Yuuri close the gap themselves. He lets Yuuri set the pace. They’re _drowning_ , kissing like a man starved, still searching helplessly for the release Viktor’s leading them to.

“ _Suki_ , _daisuki desu_ , _suki desu_.”

“I love you, too.”

Yuuri whimpers one last time, and they shake apart in Viktor’s arms.

Yuuri’s breath comes in heavy gasps, chest swelling against Viktor’s own. Viktor slowly moves his hand from between Yuuri’s legs, lets it rest gently on their hip. He lets a minute pass while Yuuri catches their breath, and he draws slow circles on Yuuri’s hip with his thumb.

“How do you feel?” he asks after a couple of minutes have passed.

Yuuri is still nestled in his arms, flushed and radiating heat. “Warm.” They wrinkle their nose. “Sticky.”

Viktor laughs. “But, good?”

Yuuri hums in agreement. “What about you?”

“What about me?” Viktor asks, nuzzling his face into Yuuri’s hair.

“Are you...?” Yuuri’s hand touches between Viktor’s legs.

“Don’t worry about me,” Viktor says dismissively, starting to move Yuuri’s hand away.

“I want to.” Yuuri says it with the same determination they had when they’d asked Viktor to do the same.

So, Yuuri does, pressing Viktor back into the sheets and repeating what Viktor had done to them. Afterwards, warm and sated, they let the waves rock them to sleep.

They regret not showering in the morning, when their bodies and sheets are sticky. Viktor ushers Yuuri into the shower, where he washes the sweat from Yuuri’s thighs. Viktor’s hands are gentle on Yuuri’s body, like they’re made of glass. He coats them both in a soapy lather, and the water glides over their skin to wash it all away. Yuuri stares down, where the evidence of the night before swirls down the drain.

Yuuri is silent while Viktor tends to them, saying more with a soft smile and gentle caress than they ever could with words. Viktor lets them think; he’s grown used to it over the past year. He wraps Yuuri in a fluffy white towel and kisses their hairline and moves to leave when Yuuri catches his hand.

“I don’t know what happened last night,” Yuuri says quietly, their expression unreadable.

Viktor doesn’t touch them save for where Yuuri has taken his hand. He wants to more than anything, but he’s terrified of pushing Yuuri too far. “Do you regret it?” he asks around the lump in his throat. “Should I have waited?”

Yuuri looks up at Viktor, startled. “No!” they say quickly. They give Viktor’s hand a squeeze and reach up to cup his cheek in their hand. “No, it was good.” Yuuri ducks their face into the towel around their shoulders to hide their blush.

Viktor sighs in relief. “Good. The last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable.” He brushes Yuuri’s bangs back from their forehead, so that their eyes are unhidden.

Yuuri isn’t wearing their glasses, but they can feel the love radiating from Viktor’s blurry form all the same. “I just, that’s never happened before.” Yuuri closes their eyes. “We’ve been together for months, why did it happen _now_?”

Viktor sees the tension in Yuuri’s shoulders, hears the panic in their voice. They know this, they’ve seen Yuuri through it enough times. “You’re scared,” Viktor says quietly.

Yuuri opens their eyes, unshed tears shining in them. “I... _yes_.” They wipe their eyes helplessly. They don’t want to cry in front of Viktor, over something so _small_. “I’m twenty-four I would have thought that I knew myself and my body by now. But then _this_ happens and I don’t know why or if it’s going to happen again...”

Viktor pulls Yuuri into his arms. “Oh, Yuuri, my love, it’s alright.” Yuuri sniffles into his shoulder. “We’ll figure this out.”

It happens for the second time a week later, and Viktor explores Yuuri’s body with his mouth. Yuuri still doesn’t know what’s happening, or why, but there’s comfort in these moments of intimacy. It’s a part of their relationship, and a part of themselves, they haven’t explored.

Yuuri stares at their phone pensively, thumbing quietly through their contacts. Still, there are precious few people Yuuri can go to for advice about something like this.

**Yuuri:** Hey  


True to form, it’s less than five minutes before Phichit texts back.

**Phichit:** YUURI!!!! ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆  
  
**Phichit:** HOW R U  
  
**Phichit:** IS RUSSIA STIL BEING GOOD 2 U  


Yuuri can’t help but smile. Phichit never fails to make them feel loved.

**Yuuri:** Yes. It’s nice.  


Yuuri bites their lip. They’re not sure how to start this conversation. They’ve talked about this before with Phichit. Phichit knows they’re asexual, that they were (are?) sex-repulsed. It’s still hard to bring up out of the blue, because telling Phichit that they’d had sex with Viktor would make it real. More than that, Yuuri remembers telling Phichit in hushed tones that the _thought_ of touching someone or being touched made Yuuri sick to their stomach (even when they imagined it was Viktor). And Phichit had kissed their cheek and told them they were perfect the way they were.

Telling Phichit, after shedding so many tears, would make those moments feel like lies.

**Phichit:** is everything ok??  


Yuuri smiles, because of course Phichit would know something was off.

**Yuuri:** um, yeah.  
  
**Yuuri:** I just want to tell you something.  
  
**Yuuri:** It’s nothing bad, I promise.  
  
**Phichit:** oh ok!!  
  
**Phichit:** u can tell me anything!!  


Yuuri takes a deep breath, types out the message, deletes it, types it out again, deletes it again. The whole process takes seven minutes, and when Yuuri hits send, their heart is lodged in their throat.

**Yuuri:** I kind of had sex with Viktor????  


Phichit similarly takes a long time to reply. It’s slightly more concerning, because Phichit isn’t known for being speechless.

**Phichit:** oh wow  
  
**Phichit:** i dont know what to say??  
  
**Phichit:** r u ok???  


Yuuri sniffles, wiping unshed tears on their shirt.

**Yuuri:** I’m fine!  
  
**Yuuri:** It was  


Yuuri pauses. They’re not sure how to finish that sentence. It was good? Consensual?

**Yuuri:** It was my idea, actually  
  
**Phichit:** OH  
  
**Phichit:** Congrats  
  
**Phichit:** im happy 4 u!!!  
  
**Phichit:** i mean if ur happy  


There’s a long pause where Yuuri can see Phichit is typing.

**Phichit:** r u happy?  


Yuuri swallows thickly.

**Yuuri:** Yes.  
  
**Yuuri:** Extremely.  
  
**Yuuri:** I’m just.  
  
**Yuuri:** Confused.  
  
**Phichit:** thats ok!!!  


Yuuri takes a deep breath and tries to sort their thoughts out. They open the notes app on their phone where they’ve typed out a list of things they want to say to Phichit.

**Yuuri:** You know about my sex stuff right?  
  
**Phichit:** mhm  
  
**Yuuri:** Viktor does too and I told him when we got together that I was never going to have sex with him and he accepted that.  
  
**Yuuri:** But a week ago we were kissing and I just.  
  
**Yuuri:** felt different?  
  
**Phichit:** im sorry this happened a week ago  
  
**Phichit:** & ur just telling me now????  
  
**Yuuri:** phichit focus  
  
**Phichit:** sorry continue  
  
**Yuuri:** anyway i felt different and we had sex and it was nice?  
  
**Phichit:** then good!  


Yuuri frowns. It _is_ good, as Phichit says. But at the same time, it’s not. It’s frightening and unknown.

**Yuuri:** yeah  
  
**Phichit:** is something wrong?  
  
**Yuuri:** idk  
  
**Yuuri:** I spent so long figuring this stuff out it’s scary to learn I was wrong  
  
**Phichit:** well  
  
**Phichit:** just bc things have changed doesnt mean u were wrong  
  
**Phichit:** maybe that label fit u back then but now it doesnt?  
  
**Phichit:** it still helped u 4 a long time  


Yuuri can’t help but smile at Phichit’s text. It’s true. Back in college, having a name for what they felt and knowing there were people who shared that experience had been invaluable. Growing out of that label now couldn’t take that away.

**Yuuri:** how do you always know the perfect thing to say  
  
**Phichit:** its a gift  


A few minutes pass, and Yuuri thinks their conversation has ended.

**Phichit:** ok this is totally ur call & u dont have to change labels if u dont want to  
  
**Phichit:** but so do u think ur demi??  
  
**Yuuri:** yeah, that’s what I was thinking  
  
**Phichit:**!!!!  
  
**Phichit:** THATS SO EXCITING  
  
**Phichit:** I HAVE 2 BUY ALL NEW PRIDE GEAR  


Later that night, when Viktor is lazily grooming Makkachin on the floor, Yuuri pulls up the Wikipedia page for demisexuality. They’re safe, tucked against the arm of the couch with knees pulled to their chest.

“Vitya?” Yuuri calls nervously. Viktor looks to Yuuri from the other end of the couch. “Come here, I want to show you something.” Their mouth is dry, nervous even though they know Viktor will support them regardless, has proven himself time and time again.

Viktor slides over so he’s sitting below Yuuri’s feet, cheek resting against the cushion. Yuuri hands the phone over, and watches as Viktor’s eyes scan the page. “Is this you?”

Yuuri rests their chin between their knees and nods. Viktor smiles, presses his cheek to Yuuri’s foot where it hangs over the edge of the couch. “I’m glad,” he says quietly. “That you could find something to describe you.”

They explore this aspect of their relationship together, in the way their hands explore each other’s bodies. It’s not often that Yuuri feels that electric hum in their belly, but when it’s there they embrace it. It’s starting to become familiar, just another part of the enigma that is Katsuki Yuuri. Viktor buys a bottle of lube and stows it in their nightstand. He surprises Yuuri with it the next time Yuuri asks to be touched. Yuuri is a complicated mixture of excitement and mortification. It’s the messiest sex they’ve had, but it’s _good_.

They experiment with other things, too. They discover Yuuri likes being tied up (and tying Viktor up). They do not, however, like being spanked. They have a slowly growing collection of toys stowed in the back of their closet. Yuuri is struck one day by the realization that some people might describe them as _kinky_ , something that would have made twenty-year-old Yuuri die where they stood.

It’s not always perfect.

Yuuri’s hand tugs softly on Viktor’s hair, guiding him between their legs. Yuuri’s other hand fists in the pillow beneath them. They gasp, and moan, and whimper as the waves crash over them. Viktor’s own breath comes out as pants on Yuuri’s skin. When he’s not licking and sucking, he’s biting bruised kisses on the meat of Yuuri’s inner thigh and making Yuuri’s world come apart. It’s wonderful, and Yuuri gasps in time with the tide.

It’s good, until it isn’t.

Yuuri’s abs suddenly clench, the knot in their stomach tightening in the face of stormy seas, and it _squeezes_ the life out of them. Their excitement turns to a sudden stone in their gut, threatening to escape through their throat.

“Red,” Yuuri gasps immediately, shaking under Viktor’s touch. They keep babbling, panicked. “Red, red.”

Viktor pulls away immediately, backs off from Yuuri’s skin as if it burns. He hovers at Yuuri’s side, wanting desperately to touch but not daring to. Yuuri’s whole body shakes, and Viktor wants nothing more than to hold them to his chest until it stops, but he doesn’t. He tries to use his words instead, speaking through spit-slick, kiss-swollen lips.

“Yuuri, are you alright?” Viktor asks quietly.

“No, yes. I’m not sure.” Yuuri reaches out a hand and Viktor takes it greedily, holding on like it’s a life raft in the middle of a turbulent ocean.

Viktor squeezes Yuuri’s hand, clasps it to his chest. “Is there anything I can do?”

Yuuri is lost before the warmth of Viktor’s chest. The weight of Viktor’s hand grounds them, keeps them from losing themselves. “Hold me?”

Viktor has never been more glad to pull Yuuri against his chest. He pulls Yuuri close, intertwining their limbs and fingers until he loses track of where he ends and Yuuri begins. He squeezes Yuuri’s chest, pushing back against the anxiety threatening to shake free. Viktor pulls the blanket up, wrapping it tight around them both until they’re _safe_ and _warm_ in Viktor’s arms.

They stay like that for a while. Yuuri’s body shivers, disgust still thick in the blood that oozes through their veins. They shake under the weight of it, and all they can do is ride the waves of nausea coursing through their body. The disgust lessens, slowly, as Viktor rubs slow circles on Yuuri’s back and squeezes them tightly when it gets to be too much. Soon enough, it’s gone entirely, and Yuuri is left cocooned in Viktor’s embrace.

They let out a long sigh, the tension in their chest releasing. “I’m okay.”

Viktor nuzzles into Yuuri’s cheek. “Do you know what happened?” he asks quietly.

“Not really,” Yuuri murmurs. “I was fine and then I wasn’t.”

Viktor rocks them gently in his arms, swaying in time with their heartbeats. “That’s fine. That’s perfectly okay.” He repeats it over and over, and Yuuri’s heart swells. They’re not used to being told their feelings are valid. “Thank you for stopping me. Is there anything I could have done?”

Yuuri racks their brain for an answer, replaying everything that happened in their head. “Not really.” They breathe deep. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just...”

Viktor cuts that thought off with a kiss. “You didn’t do anything wrong, either.”

Yuuri sighs into Viktor’s mouth. “You’re right.” Yuuri loosens in Viktor’s arms, sinking into the soft sheets and Viktor’s warm skin. They let themselves be held.

In the morning, there are more questions, shared over a steaming cup of tea. “What if this is temporary?” Yuuri asks, staring at the frothy green liquid swirling in their cup.

“Hm?” Viktor looks up from where he’s scrolling Instagram.

“What if this... sex thing is just a phase?” Yuuri rubs a hand over their chest where their heart is threatening to beat out. “What if in a few months it disappears and I go back to being...” Yuuri trails off, unsure what word they’re looking for.

Viktor sets his phone down, giving Yuuri his full attention. He starts to reach for Yuuri, but after a moment thinks better of it. “Is that what you think happened last night?”

Sunlight streams in through the tall windows in their living room, heralding the morning over St. Petersburg. The light casts harsh shadows on Yuuri’s face. They keep staring into their mug, like it will give them the answers. Finally, Yuuri shrugs, and it’s as anticlimactic an answer as they could have given.

“I don’t know,” Yuuri murmurs. “I don’t know a lot of things these days.”

The fear is back in Yuuri’s eyes. “Can I touch you?” Viktor asks gently.

Yuuri gives him their hand across the table. Viktor twines their fingers together, rubs slow circles onto Yuuri’s knuckles with their thumb. Yuuri doesn’t look at him, instead watches the sun rise over the city. “I just...” They finally start, timid and scared. “What if we do all this work figuring me out and it changes again, and everything we’ve done ends up being for nothing?”

Viktor stares at their joined hands, at the play of the light on Yuuri’s ring. “Do you enjoy it?”

Yuuri flushes all the way down their neck. “Yes, I do.”

Viktor brings Yuuri’s hand to his mouth, kisses the ring on their finger. It’s a silent message, that Viktor has promised his life to Yuuri and nothing could change that. “Then it’s not for nothing.”

Viktor brings Yuuri’s hand to his cheek, nuzzles into it as he speaks. “If one day you wake up and this part of you is gone, or if it stays with you the rest of your life, I will love you the same.”

Yuuri sniffles, and has to move their face so they don’t accidentally cry into their tea. “I’m sorry, I just... Thank you.”

Viktor kisses their palm. “You have nothing to be sorry for, my love. I know this is scary for you.” Yuuri nods, tears spilling over their cheeks. “But we’ll figure this out, together.” Viktor slides around the table, and Yuuri leans into his embrace. “And if we never fully find an answer, that’s okay, too.”

They hold each other, prepared to ride out the storm as long as it lasts. Viktor holds Yuuri’s face in his hands and licks the salt from their lips.

Their tears taste like the ocean.

**Author's Note:**

> so like i love ace characters more than life, every character is ace as far as i'm concerned but we largely only see one ace narrative so like here's my love letter to sex-positive and/or kinky aces, i'm sure as hell not one but you guys are rad and I hope this does justice.
> 
> also my intent is not to suggest that people who are sex-repulsed eventually change their minds, i'm sex-repulsed and anyone who thinks that can go take themselves out with the trash. but sometimes we don't have everything figured out and that's valid.
> 
> that said, if a potential partner says they're never going to have sex, then believe them because anything else is Gross.
> 
> Talk to me on [tumblr](https://aceyuurikatsuki.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
